12Final Draft, Inc. Final DraftXFFFF000000060002000177AA000000000070000000002000110180499000480048-25AC15200F5-1E53E56E53E560C000640C15264FFFF010E0000100000041000000010F68408405A6CC15210F5A038E003BFD19FC152010000200000F6E00000000F68,EXT. WASHINGTON Monument - day A static shot of the Washington Monument in bright daylight. Int. Washington monument - daY Were inside the granite interior of the monument. Dick wears a red vest and toddles in front of a group of camera-wielding tourists. Hes got a huge name tag saying, naturally enough, DICK. DICK Walking, walking, walking, stopping, stopping. Making a semicircle. Very nice, thank you. Now, the total cost of the Washington Monument was one million, one hundred thousand dollars. Your great-great-grandparents tax dollars at work, ladies and gentlemen. Dicks used the line six thousand lines before, and the tourists guffaw as always. He walks to a scale model of the Washington Monument and fondles it as he talks. DICK Now. Some facts about the monument. Were here at the base. The shaft is here. At the top of the monument is a reservoir for rain collection. Shaft to reservoir tip is five hundred fifty feet long. Question? Gertrude steps forward. Shes peeling a banana. Gertrude Excuse me? Dick? Dick Yes? GERTRUDE Where was George Washington from? DICK He was from Viagra. I mean, he was a virgin. He was from. Virginia. Gertrude takes a huge mouthful of banana. GERTRUDE (Mouth full) Thank-you-very-much-thats-interesting-- Willy steps forward, a grunt in formal military attire. He waves and bobs a corndog. Everyone is entranced with the waving of the corndog. Willy Dick! DiCK Question? WILLY All the -- members -- of my Marine squad have visited the Washington Monument. So how come? How come? How come Dick Cheney doesnt require Navy recruits to visit the Washington Monument? Some kind of huge boner? Some kind of vice-presidential cock-up? DICK At ease, privates. Ive worked this job for twenty years, and over that time weve had tons of seamen in here. And if I get my way, well have tons more seamen! Willy bobs his corndog happily. WILLY Oh yes! Yes, yes, yes! Hoo-ah! LinDA Excuse me. DiCK Question in the back? LINDA You people are disgusting me. All this talk of penises. GerTRUDE Oh, my ears! MarGARET Goodness gracious me! General confusion and annoyed babble. DICK Maam, I dont believe anyone here is referring to penises. This is a family-oriented presentation on the Washington Monument. Id like to request that there be no more ejaculations of this type. Margaret Oh, Dick? DiCK Yes? Margaret steps forward. Shes sucking on an orange (or chocolate) Popsicle. MARGARET Dick, do they ever have presidential parties at the Washington Monument? DICK Yes. Two large inaugural balls have been held here. One here. And the other here. Those inaugural balls are the biggest in the world. While holding those balls, the president is able to receive great heads. Of state. MARGARET (Mouth full) Mmmmmmmm! I bet thousands of men come! GerTRUDE Oh God! Those balls must be so huge-- LINDA (Screaming) Penis penis penis penis penis! The group freezes, aghast at Linda. LiNDA Penis penis penis! There! Are you penis-centric people penis happy? Have we got the penis out of our systems? Is that enough penis for today? DICK pulls out a walkie-talkie. DICK Security. We have a terrorist. Two guards instantly appear and drag Linda away. LINDA You people are completely penis! Do you penis understand me! Penis penis penis penis... DICK Im sorry that you good people had to witness that. Some people cant get sex off their minds. Shall we continue the tour? Everyone (Babbling) Oh yes... Tour, we want more tour, yes! DICK Follow me! Walking, walking... Dick turns and leads the tour group from the room. EXT. WASHINGTON Monument - day A static shot of the Washington Monument in bright daylight. DICK (V.O.) The Washington Monument took thirty-six years to build. But heres the climax, people. In 1884, the monument was finally and completely... Erected! Inside the monument we hear the tour group screaming in dubious ecstasy. 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