in Friends

You don’t have to be beautiful to turn me on

Wednesday night, ten p.m, South First. The jukebox drones and the waitresses dawdle. Valerie drops her glass of red wine on the table with a thonk and scratches her nose. She’s in lecture mode.

“Now. About kissing in film scenes. There is a protocol to be followed. I was doing this sci-fi film once and I was gonna get kissed by this bad-ass biker dude. And the cameras rolled and he gave me this little teeny kiss. So I tell him, whatsa matter, ya fuckin’ pussy? Kiss me, goddamn it! And the cameras rolled again and he stuck his tongue in my mouth, so I slapped him up-side the head and said Don’t you ever do that to me again in your life! So the third time he got the kiss vaguely sorta right. Protocol.”

Valerie killed the rest of her wine. “Wanted to tell you. Saw that kissing scene with you in that video I asked you to do. Gotta tell you to keep that tongue in your mouth. It’s a safety issue, you know. You don’t know what germs the other actor is carrying. Basic rule of stage and screen: never kiss with tongues. So in the future, don’t you stick your tongue in anyone’s mouth either.”

I blinked. “You going to slug me?”

“I need another glass of wine,” Valerie said, flagging a waitress. “Hey!”

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  1. So help me GOD John, if you push your tongue down my throat during next weekends shoot, I’ll smack ya too!

  2. It’s not just a germ thing, honey. It’s about respect too. My guess is that most people prefer to choose who they share their tongue with. The bad-ass biker didn’t deserve mine. Would it have been different if it was you? Possibly, but there is still that issue of professionalism that would be looming over the scene. All those film teachers and coaches would cringe to see us licking each other with delight. But who cares about them? It is a delight for the selfish actors and we shall relish in our ability to play lovers and enjoy the juices of each others mouth. Hey, isn’t that what being an actor is all about? Doing all of those wonderful things that we can’t do in reality. Screw what I said John! I’m simply a stuffy old maid with false morals. I need to dump my boyfriend and find my inner slut again. The world, and me, would be much happier, I’m sure.