I can’t remember anything, can’t tell if this is true or dream

Hi! Thanks for reading my Craigslist personals ad. It makes me happy, that you are reading it, right now.

I am 6’3″, well-built, hazel eyes. What I am looking for is a woman. Basically, any woman will do, but ideally I am looking for a woman who also happens to be female. In principle she should also have been female all her life. But that is negotiable. I will understand if that is not the case with you. And I will support you in this.

I love long walks on the beach. I will appreciate and love you for who you really are. Even if you are a tad overweight.

Forgive me. I beg of you, my dearest, my most beautiful woman, do forgive me. I did not mean to imply that you were a blubber butt. Your butt is quite fine indeed. And I love you, for your butt, among other things.

Actually, it was a lie to say that I am well-built. In truth, I have no appendages. I lost them all in a high-stakes game of canasta. If I grow to trust you, I will tell you all about it. But we will not speak of it until then.

The part about me being 6’3″ was a lie as well. Actually, without my appendages I am 3’6″. But what does size matter? Nothing, if love is truly present in a relationship.

I have constructed a motorized device that permits me to navigate the beach without exerting myself unduly. The device consists of pneumatic drive units, including air-enabled crutches, that permit me to move with extraordinary efficiency, at speeds up to forty miles per hour.

I am typing this entirely with my tongue. I have a special keyboard that is coated entirely with Saran Wrap. I will never require you to clean this keyboard for me. I have people to do that.

However! My reproductive organs are highly functional. I have tested them thoroughly and am assured of their quality. You may be convinced that my reproductive organs are in great shape and will work as expected, when you need them to, where you need them to.

Ideally, you are a short woman. We will look better in photos if you are no more than 3’4″. But if you are a tall woman, I will understand and accept your freakish height, with unconditional love.

I collect dead spiders and keep them in jars in my closet. Hopefully you will not mind that. The spiders are dead. They will not bother anybody. Least of all you… my dearest.

You are the right woman for me. And you know that I know that you know that you are the right woman for me.

I require periodic turning to alleviate these festering bedsores. And my soul is yours, for the asking.

In related news, johnbyrd.org just passed 25,000 visits. Thanks, Mom!

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