Why don’t they just let me live?

Rumor has it that there have been a number of complaints about John Byrd. He’s insensitive, he’s uncommunicative, he doesn’t know his boundaries, he doesn’t know how to color coordinate or share his feelings or ride a moped. That sort of thing.

Interestingly, none of these complaints have been directed to John Byrd. They have been directed to other people who know John Byrd, but not to John Byrd himself.

John Byrd would like to take this opportunity to point out that John Byrd is solely responsible for John Byrd’s behavior. Ergo, if you have a problem with John Byrd, John Byrd strongly recommends that you discuss the concern directly with John Byrd rather than with John Byrd’s friends or relatives or in-laws or co-workers or drinking buddies or the guy who lets his cat take a dump on John Byrd’s lawn every 6:30 in the a.m. All these other people (here I include the cat as a member of the human race, even though it is not) have no particular authority or claim on John Byrd.

John Byrd welcomes and encourages all forms of commentary and advice on improving John Byrd’s relationship(s) with you, your friends, your relatives, your in-laws, your co-workers, your drinking buddies, and all other members of the human race. (Here I include the cat as a member of the human race, even though it is not.) If you provide John Byrd with said commentary and/or advice, John Byrd promises to work diligently to become a better friend, servant and companion to you and the people most significant to you in your life.

The rest of you assholes can go fuck yourselves.

0 thoughts on “Why don’t they just let me live?

  1. You should format this statement like one of those health warnings on a wine bottle and put it on a T-shirt to wear around.

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