There exist many variants on the basic rules of chess. Many of these variants introduce a larger board or new pieces or movement rules in order to make the game more complex. Personally, I have a hard time keeping straight the additional rules of the variants, and so they seem less fun to me. In the words of Trip Hawkins, great games are simple, hot and deep.

Cathouse is my contribution to the world of chess variants. In Cathouse, many queens scratch at one another to gain the attention of the king.

The only valid pieces in Cathouse are pawns, queens, and kings. Initial setup for the Cathouse board is as follows:

In the initial setup, your pieces are placed on the opponent’s side of the board. You have your king on the eighth rank, with pawns on the fifth, sixth and seventh rank.

Move and capture rules are the same as for FIDE chess: pawns may move forward exactly one square into an empty space, or they may capture on adjacent front diagonals. Kings may move and capture to any open adjacent square.

When a pawn reaches the eighth rank, it is immediately exchanged for a queen. This means that each player may theoretically promote up to three queens on the board. (Pawns may only promote to queens.) If you don’t have so many queens laying around with your chess board, just turns your rooks onto their heads and pretend they’re queens.

Queens move as in FIDE chess: they slide along rows, columns or diagonals in rays until they are stopped by a piece of their own color, or until they capture an opposing piece.

The game ends according to FIDE chess rules. Checkmate, stalemate, draw, and three-move repetition endings are all possible.

For a piece layout this simple, the game is surprisingly well-balanced. Computer analysis suggests that white has an opening advantage of only about half a pawn, the same as in traditional FIDE chess. Each player must try to generate their own queens while simultaneously preventing the opponent from doing so. Space control and tempo seem to be key in Cathouse.

Dad called a couple weeks ago. Rachel, my stepmother, has had cancer for some years now. They just decided to transition her into hospice care. We rejiggered our vacation plans and traveled to Charleston, West Virginia three days ago instead. As with all cancers, no one really knows anything.

People come and go in Dad’s house, some of whom I don’t know. Rachel’s Catholic; a priest came in.

We’ve been on the road a lot. Charleston, West Virginia to Fishersville, Virginia where we will spend the night tonight. My mother made food. Lots of food. It’s what she does. We’re watching The Producers (new school) on TV while I write this.

I snapped at my wife the other day. I regret having done that.

My family looks old to me. I assume I look old to them.

I’m quiet, mostly because I’m tired. I feel physically drained, and I find it difficult to hold a coherent train of thought. I suppose I’m growing a little too set in my ways.

So the Yahoo porn spam bot keeps contacting me. Rather than ignore it, I thought I’d try to get it to tell me a little more about its internal structure, so that someone with more time than me can r00t it. Here’s what I found out.

The bot has a canned script. If a human responds to its IMs, and it doesn’t see a keyword, then it continues with its canned script. Once the script ends, the conversation terminates.

Known interesting keywords follow. The bot searches this keyword list in this order, and the earliest match is returned as a response. The bot is case-insensitive. The bot will continue to chat you indefinitely if you include one or more of the following words in your response.

web / http://tinyurl.com/SEXYMISSES [or whatever the porn URL du jour is]
site / http://tinyurl.com/SEXYMISSES [or whatever the porn URL du jour is]
shit / what’s wrong?
fake / the only thing fake here is your toupet!
spam / nah, I am a vegetarian… no spam for me! haha
bot / whats a bot? im 100% all real and natural, from tits to ass!

(9/20/2009 10:25:32 AM) beckyjohnson6266: Whats up?!
(11:28:37 AM) johnwbyrd: ?
(11:28:50 AM) BeckyJohnson6266: hello?
(11:28:54 AM) johnwbyrd: Hello, who are you?
(11:29:05 AM) BeckyJohnson6266: do i know you??
(11:29:12 AM) johnwbyrd: Don't think so
(11:29:27 AM) BeckyJohnson6266: ohh hey what's up babes??
(11:29:38 AM) johnwbyrd: who are you?
(11:29:49 AM) BeckyJohnson6266: i've been a little busy with work, just got home and fresh out of the shower! i'm kinda feeling a little naughty lol..u?
(11:29:52 AM) BeckyJohnson6266: i am me! well i found your id and decided to msg you, im sooo very lonely and only want company
(11:30:20 AM) johnwbyrd: guessing you're an AI script
(11:30:32 AM) BeckyJohnson6266: whats a bot? im 100% all real and natural, from tits to ass!
(11:30:36 AM) johnwbyrd: what about your kneecaps?
(11:30:47 AM) BeckyJohnson6266: yeah i'm horny lolz! u?
(11:32:13 AM) johnwbyrd: I can't see any horny lolz here.
(11:32:27 AM) BeckyJohnson6266: Mhhm babe i love a guy who knows what he wants..can u be that guy ?? ;)
(11:32:33 AM) johnwbyrd: Only if my mommy lets me
(11:32:45 AM) BeckyJohnson6266: Leanne is my real name but all my friends call me Lia
(11:33:00 AM) johnwbyrd: Fine, I'll call you Frank
(11:33:16 AM) BeckyJohnson6266: I love to tease my man and please him..u like that babes??
(11:33:43 AM) johnwbyrd: You're a spam robot who contacted me out of the blue
(11:33:54 AM) BeckyJohnson6266: Nice!! lolz i even like to dress up for my man...u into that?
(11:34:40 AM) johnwbyrd: Curious green ideas sleep furiously
(11:34:54 AM) BeckyJohnson6266: ;)..do you have a cam?
(11:35:07 AM) johnwbyrd: Come, come.  Elucidate your thoughts.
(11:35:23 AM) BeckyJohnson6266: I have one but you're not a kid right?
(11:35:33 AM) johnwbyrd: I'm 14 years old and in jail.
(11:35:47 AM) BeckyJohnson6266: Can never really be sure..you know?? 
(11:36:01 AM) johnwbyrd: Actually, I'm 98 years old and have a heart condition.
(11:36:15 AM) BeckyJohnson6266: k ..well im gonna show you ..k?
(11:36:25 AM) BeckyJohnson6266: http://mywebcamcrush.com/BARBIE make sure you accept my free cam chat invite on the left hand side, it expires in 10 mins to be free, click it k?
(11:36:36 AM) johnwbyrd: I guess you'll be needing a credit card
(11:36:51 AM) BeckyJohnson6266: yup, just put in your info so the system can verify your age, u got it?
(11:36:57 AM) johnwbyrd: awesome
(11:37:05 AM) johnwbyrd: You're totally a man
(11:37:09 AM) BeckyJohnson6266: i use this site to play on cause i don't want to be recorded!...this site doesn't allow people to record my cam! u know?
(11:37:17 AM) BeckyJohnson6266: credit card is just to verify your age, u get in for free thru my cam session invite but u need to verify babe ..cant show tits and pussy to minors..you know? lolz
(11:37:46 AM) johnwbyrd: I'm actually an FBI agent who investigates credit card fraud
(11:38:01 AM) BeckyJohnson6266: let me know if you need any help..i'm gonna slip into something nice for you..k? ;)
(11:40:59 AM) johnwbyrd: So, chat with people for 5 minutes, get them to cough up a credit card, show 10 minutes of canned video and slam them for insane charges
(11:42:18 AM) BeckyJohnson6266: if its not working u can check out my other site babes.. go to http://tinyurl.com/CHOOSEME2 scroll all the way down to the bottom babe, and you will see "friends of ME!!!", click that and when you get the password page, put in the password:"lucky" okay?
(11:41:32 AM) johnwbyrd: I'm actually a chicken with beautiful ruffly feathers... bawk bawk bawk

Too lazy to be ambitious,
I let the world take care of itself.
Ten days’ worth of rice in my bag;
a bundle of twigs by the fireplace.
Why chatter about delusion and enlightenment?
Listening to the night rain on my roof,
I sit comfortably, with both legs stretched out.

– Daigu Ryokan

Michael D Brown was director of the Federal Emergency Management Agency when Hurricane Katrina hit. At least 1,836 people lost their lives in the actual hurricane and in the subsequent floods. The storm is estimated to have been responsible for $81.2 billion in damage, making it the costliest tropical cyclone in U.S. history.

Sources here and here.

This is a story about a bird feeder and a squirrel. There was a bird feeder in the backyard of Nurn’s new house. It hung from a bent pole that was once used to hold up a plant. At the base of the pole was a square of Plexiglas, held in place by duct tape. The Plexiglas was there to keep the squirrel from running up the pole and getting to the feeder. The bird feeder hung from a hook at the end of the pole. Around the hook was a large clear plastic cup, about two feet in diameter, also held in place by a large quantity of duct tape. Apparently the squirrel would run up the side of the house and jump from the house onto the bird feeder.

I came to the house last month. Nurn was good at overlooking the effects of the cancer and the drugs. “There is something I need from you, John,” he said to me. “The bird feeder. I’ve noticed that the squirrel has found another angle from which he can jump from the wall of the house to the feeder, bypassing the plastic shield. In your bedroom, you’ll find a new pole from the hardware store. It has the correct thread count and it’s about six feet long. What I need you to do, is to take the pole and put two bends in it. You need to put a bend around ten or fifteen degrees, and the second bend will be at oh, let’s say twenty degrees, and then go onto the patio, I guess you’ll need to shovel it off to get on there, and you need to pull down the current pole — you can loosen the hose clamp with pliers — and you need to take down the pole, replace the pole with the longer pole, and reinstall the feeder. The extra length will make the feeder far enough away from the house that the squirrel won’t be able to jump to it.”

I said, “I’m sorry, what?”

He said, “The bird feeder. I’ve noticed that the squirrel has found another angle from which he can jump from the wall of the house to the feeder, bypassing the plastic shield. In your bedroom, you’ll find a new pole from the hardware store. It has the correct thread count and it’s about six feet long. What I need you to do is to take the pole and put two bends in it. You need to put a bend around ten or fifteen degrees, and the second bend will be at oh, let’s say twenty degrees, and then go onto the patio, I guess you’ll need to shovel it off to get on there, and you need to pull down the current pole — you can loosen the hose clamp with pliers — and you need to take down the pole, replace the pole with the longer pole, and reinstall the feeder. The extra length will make the feeder far enough away from the house that the squirrel won’t be able to jump to it.”

I said, “Oh. Okay.”

Nurn knew things and people. He could see how they ought to be assembled. He was all about connectivity and fitting. He was a big, friendly, sunny, lovable man who made friends easily and quickly.
Marcus Aurelius said: “Think continually how many physicians are dead after often fretting over the sick; and how many astrologers after predicting with great pretensions the deaths of others; and how many philosophers after endless discourses on death or immortality.”

This is a story about a bird feeder and a squirrel. I shoveled off the patio, disassembled the contraption of metal, plastic and duct tape and brought it into the basement. As I pulled off the clear plastic hood from the bird feeder, it cracked in my hands. Wind and cold had made the Plexiglas sheet brittle, and it splintered. I gripped the metal pole in a vise and bathed the Plexiglas and the clear plastic hood in several rolls of duct tape. They cracked again, so I applied more duct tape. I bent the new pole here at fifteen degrees and there at twenty, and as I wedged the contraption together by with the claw of a hammer, I said to myself… “There’s no damned way this is going to hold together for more than a few minutes out in that wind.”

Marcus Aurelius said: “Think how many heroes after killing thousands; and how many tyrants who have used their power over men’s lives with terrible insolence as if they were immortal; and how many cities are entirely dead, so to speak, Helice and Pompeii and Herculaneum, and others innumerable. Add to the reckoning all whom thou hast known, one after another. One man after burying another has been laid out dead, and another buries him: and all this in a short time.”

I took the bird feeder upstairs to Nurn. He gave it a once-over and said, “Try installing it out there.” I shoveled off the porch, posted the new pole on the patio, clamped it, and came back inside. We all watched the bird feeder from the window. The breeze picked up the plastic hood and whipsawed the feeder in the wind. “Perhaps we need some guy wires,” said Nurn. “You can attach two guy wires from the side of that mountain. And you can put a screw in the side of the patio there, and that should be able to hold the feeder in place. Wait, the neighbors own that property. Maybe one guy wire there on the patio. There’s a screwdriver in the toolbox.” Nurn paused and thought. “Well, I tell you what. Let’s just wait and see how it works as it is. It might destroy itself in the wind, and after I’m dead you can do whatever you want with it, but I think this is going to work as it is, so let’s just see how it holds together.”

Marcus Aurelius said: “Since it is possible that thou mayest depart from life this very moment, regulate every act and thought accordingly.”

Nurn did not spend his life preparing for today?s service. Nurn built things and people by seeing the implicit connections between them. He was always the first to connect things, like word processors and the Internet. The only things I ever witnessed Nurn destroying were a few corrupt presidents. Marcus Aurelius was a theoretician who obsessed over his own death, and Nurn was a philosopher who never gave up on life. He made connections at every moment in his life, even from his own death bed. Nurn cared about things and he cared about people. He didn’t live behind Plexiglas. He engaged. He enjoyed. He loved. Nurn was a man who made connections, and I am still trying to learn from him. Marcus Aurelius never outwitted a squirrel.

Today, Marcus Aurelius is dead, and there is a bird feeder on the patio, and it still holds together somehow, and the wind catches the plastic hood like a sail, and feeder waves in long, slow arcs in the breeze. And the feeder is never completely still in the wind, so it’s a moving target, and the squirrel hasn’t figured out how to jump to it. We enjoy the birds: cardinals and sparrows and mourning doves. Maybe this winter, a really big storm will come and tear the feeder apart. Maybe the squirrel will die of scurvy. Nothing is assured; life is unpredictable.

From Nurn I learned that men should make connections. Nurn made connections. Nurn built things.