Your menstruating heart, it ain’t bleeding enough for two

You haven’t missed much. I tend to sleep poorly. Most days I wake up around five-thirty, doze for a few hours. Weekdays start at eight or so. I drag my sleepless butt out of bed, watch the coffee maker drip, and saunter into the office. I spend my days hunched over a computer, spinning out miles and miles of code. I’m writing audio rendering code, the auditory heart and soul of a new video game. If I do a good job, the game will be played by over a million people. If the game sounds bad, well, that’s my fault.

Producing, listening, testing. It must be perfect. I must be perfect. It’s music and art multiplied by all my programming and techie abilities. I argue with other engineers. I get frightened: am I too old? Too arrogant? Too sleepless? Am I wrong? Can I build what I can imagine?

Not enough time, never enough time.

I stop work usually around seven-thirty, my head still spinning from code and digital-signal algorithms. The global-positioning system in my Prius guides me home. I’ve driven this route for months, but occasionally I still get lost.

My head, you know.

Usually, the wife has made pasta and salmon, or maybe chicken. We watch the big-screen TV (nature documentaries from the BBC) and maybe talk for a little while. Usually, I don’t talk to her about work.

Lather, rinse, repeat. It?s been six weeks that I haven?t auditioned for anything, and only written one script. And here I am, in the shadow of L.A.

I think I’ve fallen into a pattern that I know too well.

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