Howdy! Are YOU a Republican, MAGA, ultra-nationalist, neo-Nazi, or similar asshole who’s having a great time abusing Hispanics and gays in 2026?

Good times, innit! You can literally burst into someone’s home wearing a mask and drag them out, and you don’t even go to jail anymore!

But, you may be worried about 2029, only three years away. As you know, Trump’s absurd reign of terror will come to an end then, Gavin Newsom will be president, all those records of your crimes will become public, and the statute of limitations will not apply to the crimes you’re committing now.

You’re really good at repeating slogans, without thinking about them too hard. So, here’s a helpful handy guide to what you can say on the witness stand in 2029, to keep you from doing hard time:

Core Defense Phrases (English with German)

Compulsion/Force:

• I was forced – “Ich wurde gezwungen”
• I had to join – “Ich musste beitreten”
• There was no other choice – “Es gab keine andere Wahl”

Minimal Participation:

• I was just a card-carrier – “Ich war nur Karteileiche” (literally: card corpse)
• I did the bare minimum – “Dienst nach Vorschrift” (doing the bare minimum)
• Inner distance – “Innere Distanz” (maintaining internal opposition)

Ignorance:

• I knew nothing – “Ich wusste nichts”
• We knew nothing about that – “Davon haben wir nichts gewusst”
• We couldn’t have known – “Wir konnten nichts wissen”

Secret Opposition:

• I was an opponent in my heart – “Ich war Herzens-Gegner”
• I helped foreigners/transgender/whatever – “Ich habe Juden geholfen”

Non-Responsibility:

• We didn’t want that – “Das haben wir nicht gewollt”
• That wasn’t our fault – “Das war nicht unsere Schuld”

Victimhood:

• We suffered too – “Wir haben auch gelitten”

Professional/Duty:

• I was just a soldier – “Ich war nur Soldat”
• I only did my duty – “Ich habe nur meine Pflicht getan”

These are the phrases that appeared repeatedly in denazification records, became standardized across millions of cases, and entered German cultural memory of the period. They worked for millions of card-carrying turncoat cowardly bitch-ass Nazis, and they will work just fine for you too!