And every Saturday we work in the yard

Every morning between four a.m. and six a.m. there was this cat that slinked into our backyard, took a large dump, and then skulked away. Were I true to my West Virginia roots I would sit out on the back porch with a shotgun, real quiet like, and 187 that cat into a better world. But seeing as how I’m employed and sane I decided to find a gentler way to keep the cat out of the yard.

Down at the hardware store I found a two-pound bottle of “Uncle Ian?s Dog and Cat Repellent.” It advertises itself as “100% Natural and Safe ? Just sprinkle on soiled areas! Not harmful to pets! Dogs and cats leave!” Okay, fine.

So I open the jar and sprinkle about a pound of the red-black powder out onto my lawn. It whiffs into the May breeze and gets up my nose, making me sneeze. Man, I hope this stuff isn’t poisonous to people. Let’s read the ingredients label.

“Active ingredients: 60% Dried Blood. Inactive ingredients: 40% Bone Meal and Dried Chili Powder.”

After my eyes stopped watering, I realized that this truly was the perfect cat repellent. In spreading this concoction o’ death across my yard, I was in effect saying to the cat:

“Attention CAT! This place where you wish to defecate is a BAD PLACE! It is a place of DEATH! It is a place of BLOOD and BONES, with a slightly higher percentage of BLOOD! Also there is CHILI POWDER here! This place is highly PIQUANT and SPICY! And if you remain in this place, you will BE COOKED in a RED ARRABIATA SAUCE and served with PASTA! So SHIT ELSEWHERE!”

That was three weeks ago, and the cat and its shit are nowhere to be seen.

2 thoughts on “And every Saturday we work in the yard

  1. Lol. That is uber creepy but very funny. Does the FBI use the places where cat don’t shit as places to look for bodies?=]

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