in Theatre

But I know what I am and I’m glad I’m a man

               INT. THEATER - DAY

               A large, empty, dimly lit theater.  A director and a staff of
               go-fers shuffle papers in the darkness of the seats.  John
               stands alone on stage and fidgets under a spotlight.

                                   DIRECTOR
                         John, is it?  Let's take the
                         monologue on page thirteen.

               John thumbs through a script.

                                   SUPEREGO (V.O.)
                         He's asking you to read for the
                         lead role!

                                   ID (V.O.)
                         Oh, shit.  He wants you to read the
                         gay sex monologue.

                                   JOHN
                         Page thirteen, got it.

                                   DIRECTOR
                         Whenever you're ready.

                                   SUPEREGO (V.O.)
                         It's only an audition.  Relax. 
                         Take a deep breath.  Focus.

                                   JOHN
                         "Oh, I love it when you touch me
                         like that, Frank --"

                                   SUPEREGO (V.O.)
                         You found humor in the moment! 
                         Keep going --

                                   ID (V.O.)
                         You're going to hell for doing this
                         audition.

                                   SUPEREGO (V.O.)
                         No!  You're doing great --

                                   ID (V.O.)
                         Dude, the director totally wants to
                         pork you.

                                   SUPEREGO (V.O.)
                         Focus!

                                   JOHN
                         "Oh, yes, baby, service it, service
                         it --"

                                   ID (V.O.)
                         You sound like a gas station
                         commercial.

                                   SUPEREGO (V.O.)
                         I'm in the moment!

                                   ID (V.O.)
                         You're in a bad gas station
                         commercial.  A bad gay gas station
                         commercial.

                                   SUPEREGO (V.O.)
                         There is no such thing as gay gas!

                                   JOHN
                         "I work at the sex clubs --"

                                   ID (V.O.)
                         You change the oil filters?

                                   SUPEREGO (V.O.)
                         Focus, focus!  Positive thoughts!

                                   ID (V.O.)
                         Gay gas!

                                   SUPEREGO (V.O.)
                         Gas cannot be gay!

                                   JOHN
                         "When I was a kid I'd service
                         myself while the other boys watched
                         --"

                                   ID (V.O.)
                         Gay gas porn!  Service with a
                         smile!

                                   SUPEREGO (V.O.)
                         Art!  Human condition!  Personal
                         conflict --

                                   ID (V.O.)
                         Gay gas porn gay gas porn!

                                   SUPEREGO (V.O.)
                         In the moment!

                                   ID (V.O.)
                         Fill 'er up!

                                   SUPEREGO (V.O.)
                         I'm acting!  I'm a character,
                         dammit!

                                   ID (V.O.)
                         Welcome to Gay Gas!  Check that
                         oil, mister!

                                   SUPEREGO (V.O.)
                         Shut up!

                                   DIRECTOR
                         Thank you --

                                   ID (V.O.)
                         No, you shut up!

                                   DIRECTOR
                         Thank you!

                                   JOHN
                         What?

                                   DIRECTOR
                         Thank you very much, John.  We'll
                         call if anything comes up.  Can you
                         send in the next one, please?


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