INT. THEATER - DAY Four high-school kids -- Chuck, Sarah, Bill and Eddie -- shuffle about in togas on stage. They are surrounded with fake bushes, and a double door hangs from the back wall. One hand on his chest, Chuck declaims. CHUCK For worse than Philomel you us'd my daughter, And worse than... Progne... I will be reveng'd... Mister Dimples runs on stage, wearing a bow-tie and tapping a clipboard with a pencil. MISTER DIMPLES Cut, cut! Kids, I'm sorry, but I must stop this play immediately. SARAH Is there a problem, sir? MISTER DIMPLES I should say so, Sarah. I see that you have seven bushes on stage here. CHUCK Yes, sir, we made them ourselves -- MISTER DIMPLES I'm sorry, Chuck, but the Texas University Interscholastic League rules are very clear on that point. Section one-zero-three-three, part C, clearly states: there are to be no more than six self-supported bushes, each not to exceed two feet wide by three feet high. SARAH Oh, jeez, sir, we totally forgot that rule! The kids murmur in assent. MISTER DIMPLES One of these bushes must be removed before your play can commence. CHUCK No problem, sir -- Bill and Eddie grab a bush and drag it off stage. SARAH Okay, sir, if we can just start again? MISTER DIMPLES Tut-tut-tut! I notice that there is a double door hanging from the back of your set? CHUCK Oh, yes, sir, my dad helped me make it! MISTER DIMPLES Now, Chuck. Section one-zero-three three rules clearly state that the basic set includes doors suspended from standard, single door frames only. CHUCK But, it's our door, sir -- we worked all night on painting it -- MISTER DIMPLES Unfortunately, if I let your play have double doors, then I have to permit every play to have double doors. The state of Texas won't permit that. The kids grumble softly. CHUCK C'mon, guys, it's okay. Can you two take the door down, please? Bill and Eddie shove the double door behind one of the wings. SARAH Mister Dimples, it seems like there are so many rules we have to follow to produce our play. MISTER DIMPLES The rules do things like prohibit profane references to... a deity. SARAH You mean G-- MISTER DIMPLES Shh! (sotto voce) Yes! (normal voice) The rules are there for your protection, Sarah. We are financed by the taxes your parents pay. By the way, you're not doing a play by Edward Albee, Samuel Beckett, Thornton Wilder, Eugene Ionesco, David Mamet, Eugene O'Neill, Peter Shaffer, Neil Simon or Peter Weiss, are you? SARAH Well, no, sir -- MISTER DIMPLES Good, good! CHUCK Sir, what's wrong with those authors? MISTER DIMPLES Those authors are universally banned from the list of approved plays. If we offend the moral standards of the community, we might lose funding. We might have to cancel the University Interscholastic League! You wouldn't want that, would you? KIDS No, we wouldn't want that, I didn't think of it that way, etc. MISTER DIMPLES Now, which playwright did you choose? SARAH Oh, we chose Shakespeare, sir! MISTER DIMPLES Good, good! All works by Shakespeare are on the U.I.L. list of approved plays. Which play are you doing? CHUCK Titus Andronicus. MISTER DIMPLES Good, good! That's a very impressive-sounding play. I believe you're fully in compliance then! Whenever you're ready! Mister Dimples walks off stage. CHUCK For worse than Philomel you us'd my daughter, And worse than... Progne... I will be reveng'd, And now prepare your throats! Chuck pulls out a huge butcher knife and slices the throats of Eddie and Bill. They stagger about, gushing gallons of blood. CHUCK Lavinia, come receive the blood! Sarah catches some of the blood in her bucket. CHUCK Let me go grind their bones to powder small, And with this hateful liquor temper it! Chuck cuts off Eddie's head with the butcher knife. CHUCK And in that paste let their vile heads be bak'd! Chuck throws the head into the bucket. Mister Dimples runs on stage. MISTER DIMPLES Children, stop, stop! CHUCK Sir, we cut the dual rape scene -- MISTER DIMPLES For the love of all that's holy! Stop the play! CHUCK But, sir, it's Shakespeare! SARAH Sir, we're following all the rules of the Texas University Interscholastic League... Mister Dimples thinks. MISTER DIMPLES I cannot reconcile this logical contradiction! Mister Dimples's chest explodes in a shower of sparks. He collapses. Sarah and Chuck walk over to him and inspect him. SARAH A robot! CHUCK I knew it all along. Exeunt.